Flourless Chocolate Espresso Mini Tortes with Chèvre Frosting (Grain-and-Sugar- Free) + Thoughts on Orthorexia

I know orthorexia and I know it well.

I know what it’s like to spend every moment of the day thinking about food.

I know what it’s like to feel like any food off of my diet plan was worth spiraling into a binge or at least crying myself to sleep over.

I know what it’s like to feel like just sticking to my diet and losing weight would make the rest of my life somehow perfect.

For anyone still wondering, here’s the simplest definition of “orthorexia”: An obsession with eating foods that one considers healthy.

In my experience, food (and body) obsession is a dark, stifling, and exhausting place to live in.

 

Precious energy is wasted checking our abs in the mirror, weighing our food, or hyperventilating in the bathroom at a party because there’s nothing there that we’re “allowed” to eat.

 

No thank you.

 

That’s not the life I’m interested in…

 

((says the woman sharing grain-and-sugar-free recipes))

 

I know.

 

I seem to contradict myself but that’s exactly why I’ve wanted to share this so openly!!

 

As I’ve grown out of the need for my body to look like a magazine cover and my food to be flawlessly controlled, I’ve picked up a few things.

 

I went through a period when I was healing my disordered eating that I thought EVERYONE WHO WANTED TO BE HEALTHY WAS AN OBSESSED NUTCASE.

 

If they wanted to do a juice fast, I assumed they were a body-obsessed perfectionist.

 

If they wanted to lose weight, I assumed they hated themselves.

 

If they put any structure or care into their diets, my brain screamed ORTHOREXIA!!!

 

But here’s what I’ve learned:

 

Two people can live side by side, doing the same things and living the same life…and one can have orthorexia while the other is completely calm, sane and healthy.

 

Whoah.

 

How do I figure that can be possible?

 

I’ve lived it.

 

 

I lived through the desperation, the self-loathing, the hope that a 90 day juice fast would “fix” everything I thought was wrong with me.

 

I’ve thrown all the diet rules and ideologies out the window in passionate flight towards FREEDOM…only to find that it wasn’t freedom at all.

 

Simply eating whatever I wanted wasn’t freedom for very long: it was also the slow return of my migraines, PMS, painful periods, caffeine addiction, depression, blood-sugar issues, and the added bonus of joint pain.

 

After so many years of taking exquisite, meticulous care of my precious body, I really didn’t know how low the physical experience could get – and I only scraped the surface of what was possible.

 

Here was my saving grace: when I tossed my diet rules, I committed to no longer eating for how I wanted to LOOK but eating for how I wanted to FEEL.

 

And I wanted to feel FREE, TURNED ON, LIT UP, and MAGICAL.

 

I know, fantasy land right?

 

I’ve always kinda lived there.

 

Thing was, I’d felt those things…but I didn’t know how to sustain them without eventual self-sabotage (binge eating) on top of the fact that I believed I was never thin enough.

 

So with my bags packed full of  a newfound self-acceptance, I meandered slowly back into the world of green juices and detox.

 

It welcomed me back with open arms.

 

While I’d spent the previous months shedding my negative self-talk and rigidity, I was now shedding the symptoms and heaviness that had accumulated in my body while I’d been eating things that didn’t support my full aliveness.

 

It’s a journey but one that’s become increasingly joy-filled.

 

All that said, grains and sugar don’t work for me – but that’s not to say anything about what works for you!

 

I believe in listening to, and trusting, our own bodies…but either way, you’re gonna love this recipe 🙂

 

 

Torte base:

4 oz Lily’s chocolate chips

8 Tbsp grass-fed butter or ghee

3/4 cup Swerve sweetener

3 pastured eggs

splash of vanilla extract

 

Chevre Frosting:

6 oz chevre

1/2 cup Swerve sweetener

2 Tbsp crushed espresso beans

splash vanilla

 

serves 12

 

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. 

 

Line 12 cupcake tins with parchment liners.

 

Melt the chocolate and butter together in a double boiler until completely melted. Remove from heat and stir until smooth. Add Swerve and allow to cool for a couple of minutes.

 

Add the eggs and stir until batter is thick and thoroughly combined. Add vanilla extract.

 

Pour batter evenly into cupcake liners. Bake 30-35 minutes, cupcakes will be slightly jiggly and will set as they cool. 

 

As the cupcakes bake, mix together frosting ingredients.

 

Top cooled cupcakes with frosting. 

 

 

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